Great One Liners

My mom left the following message on my phone: I just wanted to congratulate the new owner of a creepy mattress.

Backstory: I was on the hunt for a mattress for the cheap, but, as we had discussed, new. I spent all of Thursday morning driving around trying to find places that sell mattresses, but I kept getting lost because everything looks the same here, and stores are all those semi-circular strip malls, so you can't see anything from the road. After driving in and out of strip malls for three hours I had only one quote from a very smooth businessman who (a) asked me if I was single and (b) tried to sell me a vera wang mattress. Vera Wang makes mattresses? How do you show that off? Who wears mattresses to cocktail parties?

As a last ditch effort I went out to Mesa, and managed to locate a mattress liquidator because there was nothing else around - easy to see from the street. The windows of the business where all blacked out and I considered calling my mom before I went in, so the police would know where to find me when I went missing. Inside was just a big cavernous warehouse with mattresses stacked along a narrow walkway that lead to a backdoor. When I told him what I wanted the salesman lead me out the backdoor, where there were rows and rows of those metal self storage units. While he opened one and threw a few mattress on the ground for me to try out, he informed me that his competitors always talked shit about him, but he had been in business for 14 year and had a 5 star rating with the better business bureau.

To which I replied,whatever, if you can install me a queen bed for under 500, I'm yours. And, I slept like a baby on my brand new queen bed last night.